Elephants and Zombies

Elephant Fact #10: Elephants normally walk at a speed of about four miles per hour.

I’m really getting into this whole ‘blogging’ business!

Just watched the penultimate episode of Season 2 of The Walking Dead. My reaction:

I swear, I love this show. It’s not just the fact that it’s about zombies that I love, but the whole dynamic of the group trying to survive it—you have the goody-goody sheriff and his psycho partner, the sheriff’s slutty lovely town bicycle wife, his pansy son and a few other ridiculously awesome characters to carry the show—and man, do they pull it off.

Especially the hillbilly.  Everyone loves the hillbilly.

So I guess it got me thinking—should an apocalypse occur, rendering all of us and the rest of the world as vicious, savage, flesh-eating zombies—how’d you try to stay alive?

I’m imagining that there are a horde of zombies outside my window right now. Alright, I have a gate. That should keep them out for a while.

But not forever, right? And how long can I stay in my house when all my pantry/fridge is filled with is lettuce and Spam? Dear God, not the lettuce!

Let’s assume a few weeks have passed now and I’m outta supplies. And for fun, let’s assume all of my neighbors are dead. I need to find a place that I can barricade myself in for awhile.

Well, how about the local grocery? It’s not too far away, plus it’s near my cinema. Being the last person on earth, I think I’d need a little entertainment.

Okay, so let’s head there. Oh crap! Look at that gigantic mob of zombies outside my gate! Something must’ve attracted them—goddammit, I knew singing karaoke last night was a bad idea!

I need a weapon! Well, that should be easy enough. Thanks to my dad, I have a whole arsenal—two machetes, a taser, brass knuckles, pepper spray and a katana. I don’t plan on getting close enough to the zombies to use the taser or the pepper spray, so I’ll just take a machete, the katana and the brass knuckles (because it was a birthday gift).

I’m all set!

Okay, transport. Well…I can drive—albeit very badly—but then again, I don’t think that running over people will be an issue, here. So, I’ll take my dad’s four-wheel drive and run over all the zombies in my path.

I know they’ll be attracted to noise, though, so I’ll dump the car partway through the trip and make the rest of it on foot.

But I can’t be sure that I won’t be found out by the zombies, so I’ll trip the car alarm by giving it a few good whacks with the machete. That oughta draw the zombies’ attention towards it and away from me.

So, assuming I make it safely to the store—what next? Well, I guess I should go into it.

OH NO! A bunch of the undead are loitering inside the grocery store. Dammit, why didn’t I think of that? OH CRAP! They’ve smelt my musky, manly odor of pure awesomeness. They’re coming towards me! Shitshitshitshitshit—

No need to panic! Time to break out my trusty katana and bust open a can of whoop-ass! I can do this!

Twenty minutes later.

Arrrrrrrrrrghhsnargleblargh. Mrrrghhhha…brains. Must…have…brains. Facebook…the devil….spurrrrghaghuuuuooo….arrghblarrgh raawrrrrrrr—

The Unluc-arrghblargh—ky Eleph-grrraahhhhh-ant.